WHEN IS IT OKAY TO SEPARATE?

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As a Christian, divorce isn’t an option.  From Jesus’ lips, God says that a man and woman joined together as one in marriage cannot be split back into two (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9). The only way a marriage can end in God’s eyes is by the death of one spouse (Romans 7:2; 1 Corinthians 7:39).  For more on this subject, see Divorce & Remarriage: A Position Paper and Let No Man Separate: Why Christians Should Not Divorce.

But are there instances when it is acceptable for a Christian to separate him/herself from his/her spouse? This article will explore what the Bible says may be acceptable grounds for living separated while married.

There are so many variables that will be unique to everyone’s specific situation.  However, basic principles are discovered in God’s instruction manual for life that apply universally.  We all want to be the exception to the rule and think, “that doesn’t apply to my situation.”  The author prays that you will find yourself in the context of the Scriptures presented below and hear that God is telling you to STAY MARRIED. even though you may choose, or be forced, into separation.

 

ADULTERY

In the case of adultery, trust is broken, and feelings are devastated.  However, adultery is not grounds for divorce.  No man (or woman) can separate what God has joined together, not even by the sin of adultery.  In other words, no sin is more powerful than the covenant of marriage.

Adultery is a sin, and sins can be forgiven.  A cheating spouse, if repentant, should receive full pardon for their sin from the other spouse, just as Jesus gives full pardon.  In fact, Jesus said that those who do not forgive others of their small debt will not be forgiven of their large debt owed to our Heavenly Father (Matthew 18:23-35).

If a cheating spouse is a Christian and is not repentant, but continues in adultery, then church leadership should be called upon to intervene.  The elders of the church should act in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17:

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. “Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.“Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”

Paul also instructs the church on how to deal with sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 5:1-5:

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, ….  And you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he who has done this deed might be taken away from among you. For I indeed, as absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged (as though I were present) him who has so done this deed. In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

The sinning spouse must be judged by the church, and all fellowship should be broken with that sinning spouse.  In this case, it appears that can include separation of the married couple.  However, this discipline is unto the sinning spouse understanding the weight of the sin and being led to repentance.

Paul tells us a woman is not to depart from her husband, but if she does separate, she should not marry anyone else or she should be reconciled back to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). In other words, the marriage is not over.  Reconciliation can still occur. If the sinning spouse repents, the he or she must be fully forgiven and received back into the church and the life of the other spouse.  Trust and healing, of course, will take time and require accountability measures and pastoral support, which the local church should provide.

ABUSE

Abusive spouses are not addressed specifically in Scripture, though abusive relationships are.  Let’s look at what the Bible says about abusers and the abused in 1 Peter 2:18-21:

You who are slaves must accept the authority of your masters with all respect. Do what they tell you—not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel. For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment. Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you.  For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.

Peter does not condemn the abusive master, but rather he tells Christians to patiently endure when they are beaten for doing good, for God will be pleased with patient endurance.  Christians are called to endure suffering, just as Christ suffered for us.  Does this apply to spouses who are beaten as well?  Peter’s next instruction is telling:

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Christians spouses are called to patiently, and silently, endure harsh marriage partners, that they might win over the abusive partners to the Lord by their pure and reverent lives.  This is a hard word to receive, and the author would be tempted to note that, if his own daughter were being abused, he would promptly remove his daughter from the situation and advise separation until the abusive partner comes to a repentance which includes accountability and pastoral counseling.  However, separation is not advised by God’s instructions to us, and divorce would certainly not be warranted for Christians in abusive marriages.

 

 UNBELIEVING SPOUSE

God wants married Christians to continue living with their unbelieving spouses.  However, if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, the Christian brother or sister does not have to fight the decision.  In that case, the Christian would be separated from their unbelieving spouse, though still married and faithful until the marriage ends by the death of one spouse.  These are Pauls words on the subject in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16:

A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife. …. If a Christian man has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace. Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?

The words “no longer bound” do not mean “free to divorce.”  That would contradict all of Paul’s others instructions.  “No longer bound” is in contrast to “live in peace.” The Christian spouse need not be enslaved in that situation to a life of constant turmoil.  They can separate.  However, the Christian spouse must “remain single or else be reconciled” to the other spouse.  Paul’s hope is that the unbelieving spouse will eventually be saved because of the godly conduct of the believing spouse.

 

 

REMAIN SINGLE OR BE RECONCILED

People who are sick in body pray for decades sometimes to be healed.  Some die waiting on that healing.  The same tenacity must apply to sick marriages.  It may take years of prayer and patience for a marriage to be healed, yet the separated Christian spouse must pray and wait in faith, even unto death. This is a hard work of suffering that proves faithfulness and produces the fruit of patience, perseverance, and love.   Peter sums up the glory of suffering in the name of following Jesus, in 1 Peter 4:12-19:

Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter. For the time has come for judgment to begin at the house of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the end of those who do not obey the gospel of God? Now
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​​“If the righteous one is scarcely saved,
​​Where will the ungodly and the sinner appear?”
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Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator.